Don't negotiate with terrorists. Just don't.

You ever sit and listen to a first time parent talk about disciplining their toddler? 

"I don't yell, I don't take things away, I certainly don't spank. I don't even raise my voice, because it's bad for their self esteem.  They need something, that's why they're upset.  You just need to reason with them."

Yes, padawan, you've got a point.  The toddler is upset because his or her needs aren't being met.   However, I can speak from experience that a toddler's existential "needs" often include a third cookie, or that toy with all the lights and buttons they've been zoning on in Wal-Mart, or yet another episode of Octonauts.  Say "No," and you go from Beloved Mommy to the Unholy, Unfair and Most Oppressive Overlord of All Evil almost instantly.  I also feel obligated to point out that you want to reason with a being who craps themselves daily and hasn't mastered a fork, but, sure, let's try it anyway.

After all, sometimes it works out.

"Honey, I know you're upset right now, but no more cookies right before dinner."
"Why?"
"Everybody got two cookies, and it wouldn't be fair to give you one more than everyone else.  Dinner's almost ready, too, and you need to eat good food.  Do you understand?"
"Yes.  Luf you Mama."
"Love you, sweetheart."
*child wanders off to read their Shakespeare for Toddlers book quietly on the couch until dinner is ready, and they eat all their vegetables with a fork and no complaints.*

More often, though, it goes something like this.

"Honey, I know you're upset right now, but no more cookies right before dinner."
"Cookie?"
"No, you have already had two, and dinner's almost ready."
"No tell me no!"
"Don't tell me what to do, you're two.  No cookie."
*Pause*
*child bursts into tears*
"Stop crying, you're fine, it's okay to be upset but this is not how we deal with being mad--did you just throw your cup at me?!"
"Cookie?"
"No!"
*Pause*
"Please cookie?"

And at this point, you have two choices: stand your ground (while secretly admiring their cunning use of manners) and refuse to budge despite the possibly ensuing tantrum, or break and give them a cookie.  You've drawn the line in the sand, and it's up to you whether you cross it or not.  You can't say "Well, if you say you're sorry, I'll give you a cookie," and keep the moral high ground.  Why not?  It's certainly the quietest, easiest option...but in your heart of hearts, you and I both know that's not reasoning, it's a negotiation--and that's just a fancy word for "bribe."  It lets the little savage know they can do what they want AND get a snack.

I don't usually give out parenting advice because I don't like getting it.  However, I'll make exception for this: Don't try to reason with toddlers. You can't.  It's like trying to knock down a building with your face--painful, and ultimately frustrating.  It doesn't work because they're terrorists--adorable, chubby-cheeked terrorists--and terrorists can't be reasoned with because they're not reasonable.  Don't believe me?  Check this out.

The offense?  I didn't pick her up when I was carrying laundry down the hall, and then I didn't go back and get her once my arms were free.  She literally did this ALL THE WAY DOWN THE HALL. Sound reasonable to you? Before someone calls CPS, I did try to calm her down--I spoke to her, told her where I was, encouraged her to come down the hall, chastised her for throwing a fit... I did my due diligence, then shrugged and started filming.  Think of me less as a lazy parent and more as an educational documentarian.  This was for posterity.

You're welcome.

Now, I've been that first time "I'd never" mom.  I've eaten plenty of crow over the years when it comes to raising my kids.  I'm sure there's still more waiting down the buffet line, and I'm not taking a hard line stance on how to fix or prep toddlers, because I'm pretty sure you can't.  They fix themselves.  One day you wake up, your voice hoarse and your spirit almost broken from all of the thankless explaining, and they suddenly respond with a "'Kay, Mama.  I unstand.  Read story?"

It's a glorious day.

Until then, those of you without kids, you're welcome for the free birth control.  Watch it when you think you might want a baby, and remember that even the cutest, squishiest baby will turn into THAT. Those of you whose children are past this charming age, smile smugly and congratulate yourself on surviving it.  And those of you with toddlers, do what you have to do.  Talk them through it, draw boundaries, put them in time out--just remember: We don't negotiate with terrorists.

*Disclaimer: No toddlers or terrorists were harmed in the writing of this blog.  All emotional trauma was comforted and resolved off-camera.