Fire and Ice...lots and lots of ice.

For those of you don't watch Alaskan weather, January was a record setting month for Fairbanks--we had 33 days where the high temperature was less than 5 degrees.  The lows dipped into the negative mid-40s.  Average temperature was -27.

The point is that it was cold.

I've moved a lot, and I know that cold is relative.  In Texas and southern Arizona, anything below 60 degrees sends people scurrying for sweaters and to crank up the heater. In Kansas, we got out the coats at 40.  One Christmas in northeastern Arizona, I refused to leave my house because it was 27 degrees outside.

Alaska is a whole other animal.  Here's a quick guide to the 150 degree range you can expect up here between July and January.

• 70 degrees and up: too hot.  Everybody is mostly naked, on the river if possible, or lying on the floor in front of the fridge with the windows open and the fans on. There is actually science behind this--the angle of the sun at higher latitudes means that more sun hits the entire body, resulting in more solar exposure, making you feel warmer even though the air temperature isn't necessarily that high. Air conditioning is not a thing.  It's unpleasant.

• 60-69 degrees: Perfect weather in God's country...except when it's raining and/or on fire. People are outside all. the. time.

• 50-59 degrees: Still swimming weather, with the added perk that the water's too cold for the little parasites that cause swimmer's itch to survive.  Great time to go hiking, just be ready to peel off layers when you get too hot.

• 40-49 degrees: The weaker members of society briefly think about wearing close-toed shoes.  Everybody who has been here at least one winter is still in t-shirts and shorts.

• 30-39 degrees: Sweaters and vests start appearing.  You can see your breath.  People start digging their real shoes out of the closet where they were thrown four months ago. Mothers threaten to burn any flip-flops worn again before May.

• 20-29 degrees: Starting to get a little chilly.  People still go outside for fun, though kids are often forced into a jacket and boots.  At this point, the only people looking forward to winter are those fresh from the lower 48 who are still all shiny and don't know what's coming, and the nuttier Alaskans who actually enjoy the long cold.

• 10-19 degrees: Not yet so cold that it hurts to go outside. Perfect temperatures to go sledding, hiking, skiing, or visit the ice-parks. The amount of gear needed to be comfortable is still reasonable. Cars get plugged in if they're left outside.

•  0-9 degrees: Crisp and clear and you feel like a real moron when you forget your thin gloves because touching doorknobs is starting to hurt. The tough guys start wearing their jackets.  People throw coolers on their porch and use them as extra freezers.

• -1 to -9 degrees: Any exposure longer than answering the door requires a hat. There is now often at least a 70 degree difference between inside and outside your house.  Even the dogs wear boots for walkies. Your breath freezes on your hair.

• -10 to -19 degrees: The first breath outside freezes your nose hair and makes you cough.  Walking from the car to the store is long enough for your fingers to start to hurt even in gloves.  School is not delayed, and kids still go outside for recess.  The ski hill is reluctantly still open. Ice fishing huts start sprouting on the lakes like festive mushrooms.

• -20 to -29 degrees: Outdoor recess is canceled.  Skiing is canceled. Snow machining is canceled. Everything else goes on.  Winter coats, boots, gloves and hats become standard public attire regardless of circumstance or location.  Cars are left running in parking lots and no one steals them.  Everyone goes shopping so they don't have to go out if the temperature drops further. At these temperatures, any open water starts turning to vapor.  And yet, some people continue to make poor choices.

• -30 to -39 degrees: Frost appears on the inside windows of houses, interior corners of car windows, and anywhere there is a draft or metal that reaches outside.  Car batteries risk freezing even when plugged in. Being outside is now incredibly uncomfortable for long periods of time even with several layers of clothing and people just don't do it unless they run sled dogs, are congenitally insane, or are tossing boiling water to make a cloud.

• -40 to -49: Things start to break...including Alaskans, who respond to these temperatures by getting mostly naked and taking pictures at temperature signs, mostly as a big F-you to nature, but also as some irrational but desirable right of passage.  Coldstone Creamery and the fro-yo place do a shocking amount of business.  Ice fog--when any moisture left in the air now freezes--is now a thing.

• -50 and below: There is now over a hundred degree difference between the foyer and the porch.  The rare Alaska black snake starts popping up on the highways as various belts snap off cars.  Seasoned Alaskans talk about the good ol' days when it was like this for weeks and tell anyone who will listen about when it used to get really cold.  Everyone else just hopes the power doesn't go out and binges Netflix under several blankets.

It sounds a bit extreme, but you'd be surprised how quickly you adjust to it and kind of start to like it.  Seriously, people up here are talking about the single digit positive temps predicted this week as if they were a tropical heatwave and are planning excursions during "the gorgeous weather." Stockholm Syndrome at its finest.

At least it's a dry cold.