My heart dropped when I noticed the year on Rick's W-2: 2017, not 2018. No, no, no...I furiously logged in to the website where I got his W-2 and doublechecked...sure enough, there were two years of W-2s available, and I had simply printed off the wrong one.
The Great Tax Season Tango of 2019 had begun.
**The following situations are real, and while some liberties have been taken with the exact wording, the general gists, feelings, and situations are accurate, and the conversations happened more or less as follows.**
That following Monday I called the IRS bright and early. After two lovely hours on hold, I finally managed to get ahold of an organic, unrecorded being.
Me: Hi! So I entered the wrong W-2. I just need to correct the reported income and withholding.
Agent: That's great, ma'am, let me take a look at your return. Please verify your name, address, social security number, a good phone number, horoscope, and exact coordinates of an intimately-located freckle.
Me: *stutters answers*
Agent: *type type type* Your return is processing, ma'am.
Me: Yes. But the amounts are wrong.
Agent: *type type type* Yes, your return is flagged and is being reviewed.
Me: I'm being audited?!
Agent: You're being reviewed. The incorrect income was reported.
Me: *slowly and clearly* Yes. It was. I am calling to fix it.
Agent: You can't do that, ma'am.
Me: Sure I can. I have the W-2 right here. The employer has already reported the correct info to you, which is why you knew that the income was wrong. I'll just give you the right numbers, you check them against what you have, and just manually change it. Too easy.
Agent: Can't be done. That would be far too easy. This is the IRS after all.
Me: So what do I do?
Agent: File an amendment, immediately. The sooner the better.
Me: I will assume since you work for this rather specific agency, you actually know what you're talking about. I will do the things you say.
I filled out the paperwork, but as I was preparing to mail it, doubt crept in. Riding a wave of anxiety, I called TurboTax as well as a local accountant.
Me: Hi, this is the situation *explains* The guy said to file an amended retu--
Accountant and TurboTax agent: NOOOOOOO! For the love of Zeus and everything holy, don't file another return. Amend nothing. Do nothing. Wait for THEM to ask YOU for things. Anything else will just confuse them, the poor dim bastards.
Me: Okay, but he said--
Accountant and TurboTax agent: DO. NO. THING.
Me: Okay! Jeez.
Thus I waited for three more weeks until I received my formal letter announcing that my return was under review. Finally! I could move forward. I had bought audit protection so I called TurboTax, ready to hand it over to them and not stress about it anymore.
TurboTax: Of course we'll help you! What's the code on the righthand corner of the letter?
Me: *reads it*
TurboTax: Oh. Oh no. I'm so sorry, that just means you're under review. When you're audited, it's a different code. We can't help you yet.
Me: What's the difference between an audit and a review?
TurboTax: Well, ma'am, right now they're just reviewing the return. If they decide to audit it, they'll give you another letter with a different code.
Me: That...is incredibly unhelpful.
TurboTax: Thank you for paying for a service we won't let you use. No exchanges, substitutions, or refunds. Have a wonderful day!
Me: *grumbles curses*
I googled the fastest way to contact a human in the IRS (there are whole articles devoted just to this clandestine sequence of numbers) and called the IRS again.
Me: Hi, there's a problem with my tax return. I put in the wrong W-2 by mistake. I need to verify the amount of reported income and withholding.
Agent: That's great, ma'am, let me take a look at your return. Please verify your name, address, social security number, grandmother's favorite type of cake and name of your first pet.
Me: *mutters answers*
Agent: *type type type* Okay, your reported income and withholding are being disputed and need to be verified.
Me: I-isn't that what I just...? *sigh* Yes, I have the correct W-2. Where do I send it?
Agent: We can't use that.
Me: Um...what? It's a W-2 issued by an employer who is also the government. It doesn't get more legal or legit than that.
Agent: Yes, ma'am, but we like to needlessly complicate things here at the IRS, so we can't use your employer-issued W-2 to verify your income.
Me: What do you need then?
Agent: Six months of pay stubs, including December of 2017.
Me: ...We don't really get paystubs.
Agent: You can also send a letter printed on company letterhead verifying the amounts.
Me: Company letterhead?
Agent: Yes, from the finance office.
Me: Which one?
Agent: *slowly and loudly* The main one. The Army does this all the time.
Me: *repeatedly knocking head on the wall* Thanks!
So I called around the Army for forty minutes and ultimately wound up talking to everyone from the main DFAS office in Detroit to the local company finance office, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE knew what I was talking about. Paystubs it was. I hunted them down online and printed them off manually. I mailed them to the address given and waited the 5 weeks they required to process my return.
A couple weeks later, I received a letter asking for documentation--specifically, six months of paystubs or a letter on company letterhead verifying the income amounts. I called up my friends at the IRS again.
Me: I am trying to verify my income for my return. It's being reviewed.
Agent: Great! Let me take a look at your return. Please verify your name, address, social security number, birthday of your frenemy in third grade, and sing the alphabet backwards.
Me: *answers through clenched jaw*
Agent: *type type type* So I'm looking at your return. It's being reviewed.
Me: *strained* Mmm. Yeah. I sent in the requested documents several weeks ago, but I just got another letter requesting the same paperwork. Did it arrive?
Agent: *type type type* I don't see anything, but sometimes it takes several weeks to get it attached to the file. You can try faxing it to one of these three numbers.
Me: I'll do that. Is there anything else you need?
Agent: Just the documentation.
Me: Just to clarify, I don't need to file an amendment or anything?
Agent: Nope. This is much faster and less confusing.
Me: Uh-huh. And once you receive the paperwork it will take like, what, 4-6 weeks to get my return?
Agent: *laughs merrily* Oh no, you silly. It will be 6 to 9 months at a minimum. We're dreadfully behind. It's tax season, you know.
*sigh*
So I faxed the paystubs a total of three times due to receiving errors, and waited the requisite ridiculous number of weeks before calling to confirm that the documents had indeed been received and that they didn't need anything else, only to get a letter several weeks later:
Dear Tax Payer,
We're so incompetent that we can't verify a single amount or do simple math and are confused by the paperwork that we created, so your return will be further delayed while we process it.
Love,
The Internal Revenue Service
*cue mental screaming*
Finally, I get yet another letter some weeks later, announcing that they have joyfully processed my return and adjusted my refund, and that if I don't wish to appeal the amount, to sign and return the enclosed letter and they would mail my check in 6 to 8 weeks. I did the Dance of Happiness and Relief all the way to the mailbox to mail off what I hoped would be the last letter, and spent the next several weeks riding a wave another wave of anxiety that I had somehow screwed up again, that I had checked the "contest the return" box or forgotten to sign it or some other such piddling mistake. Words cannot describe how happy I was to finally receive an envelope postmarked Internal Revenue Service, check clearly visible through the window, 8 long months after this whole crapstorm started...
And then I opened it.
The long-awaited check was for the original--not corrected--refund amount. Naturally.
Me: You gave me too much money. I want to send some back.
Agent: Really? That's weird. I'll have to take a look at your return. Please verify your--
Me: Yeah, yeah, I know the drill, here's my identity.
Agent: *type type type* Well, we sent you a refund. It mailed out ten days ago.
Me: I know. I deposited it. I just need to confirm how much to send back and where to send it.
Agent: You want us to void the check and send another one? We can do that--
Me: Nope. That ship has sailed. The money is in my account. I want to return the amount you overpaid me.
Agent: We didn't over pay you. It says the amount was approved.
Me: Yes, simpleton. This was the original amount. I entered the wrong W-2. There should be notes on the file. I also received this letter, code 8X7Y!#$6, dated 8/25/2019, stating that my return had been reviewed and my refund amount corrected and lowered. So what do I owe you and where do I send it?
Agent: Wow, you're organized.
Me: Mmhmm.
Agent: Well, subtract this from that, carry the one and divide this by this and this...$1775.
Me: $1775?
Agent: Yes. That is what we--are you sure we overpaid you?
Me: I promise.
Agent: *chuckling* I've never had ANYONE try to give us money back before...
Me: Fun story. Address?
Agent: Um...Try this...no...this...wait. Let me get my manager...
Manager: Nobody ever sends back money. Are you sure?
Me: *clenching fists and howling silently at the ceiling* Yes. It's in the notes.
Manager: Hm. If you're sure. Try this one. No, try this one. Maybe this one...
We ultimately settled on one of three locations in sunny Georgia. However, by the time I got around to actually writing Uncle Sam a check I'd forgotten which of the several addresses I'd been given was the correct one, so I called again. I'd gotten quite proficient at winding my way through the tangled recordings by then, so I managed to get a human within fifteen minutes.
Me: Let's cut to the chase. Where do I send you a check for overpayment?
Agent: I need to look at your return. Could you please verify--
Me: Nope. You overpaid my refund, I'm sending it back before you figure out your mistake and retroactively charge me interest.
Agent: Oh, too easy. Send it to this place in California. Make sure it's certified so you know we got it.
Me: Bless you, competent government employee.
Agent: Go in peace, my child.
I mailed the check certified and tracked it until it was marked delivered. Last week the check cashed, finally ending the 9 month dance of hell with the government.
So what did we learn? Two things. First, if you do your own taxes, triple check everything, and if there's a coincidence, it means that there's a glitch in the Matrix and something is wrong. Second, the government has a knack for complicating things that should be incredibly simple and shouldn't be trusted to organize a bake sale much less fund and run a country. Oh, and Epstein didn't kill himself.
